One thing that I never expected was to get a phone call from my husbands work saying that he was in an accident, and that I had to get to the hospital ASAP. So many things rushed through my head – did he loose a limb? Break something? Is he in a coma? One thing that I never thought was is he dead. It wasn’t until the Sheriff’s Department got a hold of me that I started to think it was worse than it was.I will be honest, I don’t remember much of that morning – except that I knew I just needed to plug the Hospitals name into my GPS and drive. I remember calling his mom to have her meet me there, just in case. I remember being escorted to a room and not being able to go see him and check on him… Just waited until hubby’s family all arrived before the doctor told us the news – that he didn’t make it. He was flat lined when EMS arrived. I remember just holding Junior… and not letting go and crying… Trying to console my Mother-In-Law… Then i remember trying to be strong and go by myself to see him …
It couldn’t be real. It wasn’t him lying there. It was just me dreaming… Right? I hugged him, I kissed him… I put my head on his chest… But he just laid there. I yelled at him, I got angry with him.. How dare he leave me… I needed him… Yet it still felt like I was in a dream.
I had to call his work – I had to make sure they knew that he didn’t make it. That shop was one big family…. not only did I lose my husband, they lost their brother. I called his boss – and he was just walking back in the shop door…. I had to tell him that Jeff didn’t make it, but he already knew. I needed to set up a time to get his tool box and his truck, even though his boss told me that it was fine, it could sit, and everything was locked and secure.
Then, how do I tell the kids? I mean, how do you tell Peanut that her daddy is never coming home again? I know she understands what death is and what it means when someone passes away… but… You never expect to have to tell your children that. And telling C that his stepfather didn’t make it through the accident. All he can worry about is how his siblings won’t grow up with their father….where he still has his. Then a funeral… Wow, planning a funeral is so overwhelming to begin with. But even more so when you’re not prepared. And honestly, neither hubby or I thought about our funerals. Neither of us were prepared. But not only is the financial aspect of a funeral a huge burden, but we had to try to plan a funeral while the world is fighting Covid-19. Typically when you plan a funeral, you can set how many days for viewing you’d like and then where you’d want a service said at. Pick out a casket, and make the rest of the arrangements. But during this time, I couldn’t even plan a normal funeral. When we started there was a limit of 100 people or less per building…
But by the time the day of the viewing arrived, we had to limit it to 50 or less in the building at any given time. Which typically when you have a viewing people don’t always stay all day, and there is a good rotation of people walking in and out the door. We were not too concerned, except we forgot that we had to count our children… I have 4… That’s 4 spots that were filled for others who wanted to pay their respects. So I had to send someone to watch the kids at my house for the rest of the day. The funeral home employees were also part of that count – and they kept count at the door. As people came and left, they made sure to keep us knowing when we were nearing 45. We weren’t allowed to bring in any food to the funeral home – which didn’t bother me too much, I didn’t even want to eat.
And that magic 50 number applied to his funeral mass. I had to make a guest list of who was allowed to be in the church to say their good byes. How do you make a grieving widow CHOOSE which family members were allowed to be there to say good bye? What about those who wanted to be there to support me? I really couldn’t even ask anyone besides my parents and brother… I was telling his friends that they couldn’t come to say their final good byes… We had recorded the service so we could publish it for those to watch that weren’t able to attend….
None of this felt right… This is not how any of this is suppose to be. We were suppose to be celebrating the life you had with all those who loved you… Actually we were suppose to be going through this trying time as a family. He was never suppose to die so young – he was suppose to come home and be with us – and go into “lockdown” with the rest of us.
I am thankful for all those who have reached out to me… And those who have started a Meal Train or GoFundMe for me. And all those who have prayed for myself, and my kids, and the rest of the Hubby’s family. And especially those prayers that went to all the techs that witnessed his accident.
Oh, I am in tears reading this, my friend. I can’t even say any words that would make this better, or feel okay. I just wanted to say that we all love you so much, your community is here. Please stay close to friends and family, based you can given the COVID-19 stuff 🙁 Sending my love and a HUGE GIGANTIC bear hug (virtually). xoxoxo
Thank you so much Brandy! Means so much.
Kita Bryant says
I’ve been there. My hubs died in almost the same way. You will make it through but you will be angry and it’s tough. My heart goes out to you and if you need anything please don’t hesitate to reach out. Sending you a virtual hug!
Thank you so much! It is tough – Im trying to not let it show – especially infront of the kids.
Nancy Horn says
I am so sorry for your loss. May his memory be a blessing.
One of his coworkers sent me a little video clip of them in the shop, and it had his laugh… It made my whole day brighter… He had a laugh that was infectious.
Kim Delatorre says
Crying so hard. I am SO so so sorry, sweet mama. No words at all… I am just so sorry..
I am so very sorry. I hope you can feel the love and prayers being sent to you. You are so special and so loved. I just want you to know we care
Thank you! I really appreciate all the prayers and love… I feel it every day…
Nicole Brady says
My heart breaks for you and your family. This is a trying enough time in our country, but you’re having to endure a marathon of emotional and physical battles that nobody should have to endure.
I’m so sorry. Sending love and prayers for all of you.
Thank you so much! <3
I am so sorry that you and your family are going through such a hard time right now. I have been praying for you, and continue to do so.
Thank you so much <3
I am so sorry for your loss. You are right, you never expect those calls; I can’t imagine having to go through this but especially going through it during the pandemic. You and the kids are in my prayers. It might be even more tempting to distance yourself socially but please don’t. Us bloggers are amazing and resilient, and we know how to circle our wagons when one of us is in need. I know all of that goes without saying but just know we are all here for you.
Yes, the Blogging community is a wonderful community! I’ve had so much love shown from everyone that I’ve met through the blogsphere since I’ve started
Glenda Cates says
Praying for you, your family and his as well as all the friends left behind. May God bless you and I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much! I know his friends also appreciate the prayers!
Sending hugs to you my friend. Your family is/has been in my prayers.
Thank you <3
I love you Amy and I’m sooo sorry! Please remember we are always here for you and praying for you and your family!
<3 Thank you Lisa
Mimi Robinson says
My heart goes out to you and your children. This COVID-19 complicated an already stressful situation. Sending you prayers of peace. I hope you have an appetite to eat so you can keep going. Virtual hugs and a stiff drink. ❤
Yeah, my appetite has come back… especially for sweet treats…
Maggie Smith says
Thank you for sharing this, Amy! How heartbreaking! I was crying so hard. You all are so close to me heart right now! Hugs and love!!
Thank you Maggie! <3
Heather Lopez says
I’ve been following this story and it’s truly heartbreaking. I am sending prayers for your family in this especially trying time.
Thank you Heather. This is so crazy – even 2 weeks later, still doesn’t feel real
I am so sorry. My challenges are small compared to yours. Thank you for reminding me to count my blessings. May God bless you with peace and comfort.
Oh, I don’t feel that way – all our challenges are equally important!
But yes, this time has reminded me to count our blessings – and look at the good in life.
I know there are no words of comfort at present. I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. I pray that the Father will hold on to you and your family while you go through this trying time. Blessings to you and your family.
Thank you. <3 My faith has defiantly been getting me through this time.
Cathy L Brown says
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much.
Sue E says
I am not going to pretend that I know what you’re going through, because I don’t! I feel so bad for you and your children!!
Reading the funeral plans and the difficult decisions you had to make was heart wrenching to me!! There is so much death nowadays that it is all so hard to understand!! I am so surprised, but glad they let you all in the hospital!! Please know that my heart and prayers are being said for you and your family 🙏🏼🙏🏼
I don’t believe there were any cases when we were at the hospital – and they were screening us at the door asking if we had any of the symptoms before they were even to escort us to the room. This whole time period is so surreal…
Amy, I am shocked and at a loss of words. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Your family are in my prayers. I cannot even begin to know what you are feeling. Hugs
Thank you for the kind words and prayers! <3
I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. I will be praying for you, your children, and extended family as well. With much love from KY.
Thank you so much for the prayers! They are greatly appreciated <3
Stacey Greene says
What a beautiful blog. Your loss is profound and I have no words.
Well, maybe I have a few words to help in some way.
May you grieve in your own way and make sure that no one rushes you through this or says comments that they think they know your pain.
They do not.
My heart goes out to you!
Thank you so much Stacey. Everything still seems so surreal.
June Sorensen says
Oh Amy, I am so sorry for the lose of your husband. I am sure he was the love of your life and also your soul mate. My husband works in the construction business and I worry about accidents happening on the job site too. Those poor children too. I am just heart broken. I hope with faith and strong determination Amy you will be to somewhat get through this. And I know it’s going to be hard. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and the children. If you ever need anyone to talk with, I’m hear to listen Amy. You’ll have my email address already. June S-
June, Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I’ve always worried about injuries at work, but never did I have any concern that he wouldn’t come home.
Mira V says
I’m in tears reading this. I’m so very sorry;( Praying for you and the kids. May God bless and comfort you.
Thank you so much for the prayers!
Blythe Daniel says
Amy, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband during this time. I bet you are feeling more isolated than normal with your husband’s passing during this “stay at home” time. I feel such sympathy for you. I happened to find your query on HARO and want to be in touch with you on a resource I think can be of comfort. I work with authors and I have one who lost her husband six months ago. She has written some very honest writings that have brought her comfort and others who have lost a spouse. My prayers are with you. God’s peace and mercy.
Yvonne Kapela says
So very sorry for your loss. I couldn’t even imagine. Praying for you and your family.